Hi. My name is Annie and I am a compulsive overeater.
Today, I am realizing a new depth to my addiction.
I’ve been sick for the last two weeks with pneumonia. Not a fun thing at all. I’ve been able to stay out of the hospital only by promising not to work (and since hubby calls blogging a form of work, I’ve not been able to update here) and promise to only leave the house for doctor appointments. I’ve been on outpatient IV therapy, which seems to be working. Over the course of my illness, I have lost another 3 pounds. Awesome, right? So what did I do to celebrate?
I bought a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.
Only a seriously ill person would celebrate weight loss by eating something that is known to cause weight gain.
I opened up my OA workbook to do some of the step one work that I sort of skimmed over. (Yeah, skimming is not going to help me beat this thing.) The first question to answer was “How have I used excess food to escape life’s problems?” I didn’t want to deal with that one. So I moved to the next question: “Are there particular foods or eating habits that give me trouble?” Yeah, that one was not any better! I was too scared to look on to the next question. So I stuffed a couple more spoonfuls from the demons known as Ben and Jerry into my mouth.
I keep saying that I want to beat this addiction. I want to be healthy. I want to live long enough to hold my grandchildren and maybe even my great-grandchildren. Yet when I have a chance to do something about it, to really address the issues that have led to my addiction and the things that have allowed it to get out of control, I balk. Instead of facing the demons head on, I shovel more and more food into my mouth. How does that help? More food is not going to shut up the voices in my head. Eating more is not going to make me feel any better. If anything, it is going to make me feel much, much worse. Yet I keep doing it!
It’s a vicious cycle. I feel like a hamster on a wheel that is powered by Energizer batteries—I’m not getting anywhere, but I keep going and going. I want to stop. I want jump off this wheel and find some sort of sanity in life. But I am so scared.
Maybe I beyond the point of ever being sane again?