My name is Annie and I am a compulsive overeater.
I know that is how I start every post, and it might seem sort of annoying to see it each time. Still, I think it is important for me to do that. After all, I am keeping this blog more for my own recovery than for any other reason. And it helps me to put it out there, right at the beginning, that I am a compulsive eater.
As if I could really forget, anyway.
It seems like I have been working at Step One for a very long time. Over the weekend, I think I figured out why that it. I’ve been stuck on Step One because I haven’t really given myself permission to go any further.
Being able to admit to my food addiction was a huge step for me. Allowing myself to “get to the bottom” of my addiction is an even bigger one. And it is beyond scary to have to do it. I am comfortable in my own skin right now. If I look too deeply and am forced to face what is inside, I might not be so comfortable.
And isn’t comfort what we are all looking for?
Well, comfort isn’t enough for me anymore! Not by a long shot. Being comfortable allowed me to put on 200 pounds in the last eleven years. That’s 200 pounds that I don’t want and I am not comfortable carrying around. Getting that weight off would be awesome, but that isn’t going to solve anything. If I don’t look deep inside and figure out what it is that makes me want to eat, what makes me think that it is OK to find comfort in food, then nothing will ever change. Diets, exercise, surgery—they are all useless if I am not willing to face my fears and my triggers and learn how to deal with life without turning to food.
So I have made a commitment this week. Actually, I have made two. The first is to give up soda pop. Something tells me that will be anything but “comfortable”. I love me some Mountain Dew! And even though I normally drink diet soda, I have pledged to give it up completely. I know that I will have to give it up—at least temporarily but most likely permanently—when I have surgery. My hope is that if I take small steps toward that new diet, if I eliminate or replace one thing at a time, it will be easier than just suddenly changing everything.
The second commitment I made is to complete the questions in my 12 and 12 Workbook for Step One this week. No more excuses, no more procrastination. If I want to conquer this—and I so want to conquer this!—I have to put in the work!