Excelling at Fear

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Hello.  My name is Annie.  I am a compulsive overeater.

Have I excelled at my job or just gotten by?

I would have to say that I have just gotten by.  I don’t know if that has anything at all to do with my overeating or not.

Inside of me is a fear of success.  No matter what I do, I can either fail or succeed.  And I don’t really know which is worse.  If I fail, I am likely to give up and never try again.  If I succeed and reach the top, the only place to go from there is down.  Either way, I will fall.  So why should I even try?

So instead of facing those fears and working through them, I stuff the fear down with food.   That will help me shut up the fears at least for a few minutes.  I have “bragged” about publishers showing an interest in my work, but I have not actually taken the step to send a complete book to anyone.

That doesn’t show me excelling at all.  I love to write and I am good at it.  Maybe not the absolute best, but I am good at it.  And I enjoy it.  But unless I actually take that step and submit my work to an editor or publisher, I can’t really excel at what I want to do.

But is that really a result of my eating disorder?  Or is it just a fear?

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