As I look with complete honesty at my life, how have I acted in an extremely irrational and self-destructive manner where eating is concerned? (The Twelve-Step Workbook of Overeaters Anonymous, page 11, question 1)
Hi. My name is Annie. I am a compulsive overeater.
And I am going to talk about specific foods while answering this question. Thought I’d better warn you about that. If your disease is triggered by the mention of certain foods, you might want to stop reading right now. I don’t want to hinder your recovery. At the same time, I have learned that my recovery process is easier if I don’t avoid certain words in my writing. So….
Let me pause a moment to let those who don’t want to read this click to another page….
OK. Now that the only people reading are the ones who aren’t offended by the names of food, I will begin.
Ordering breakfast at McDonald’s. That is the biggest “irrantional and self-destructive” thing I can think that I have ever done. My “normal” McDonald’s breakfast order consists of a steak, egg, and cheese bagel, hashbrown, orange juice, 2 sausage McMuffins withoug egg, 2 breakfast burritos, and a large caramel frappe (or cappuccino, if it is winter.) And yes, that is what I eat. The “good” part of that (if any of it can really be considered good in anyway) is that on the days I eat that, I won’t lunch. I’m not proud of it. I think the only person that I have ever told about that was the psychologist at the bariatric clinic. And it is not something that I do often. Though I must admit doing it just once is one time too often. I haven’t done it in over a month.
But, oh, my mouth is watering at the thought. And at the same time, I want to beat myself over the head. WHAT could I have been thinking???? That is more than enough food for three people. How could I think that would be an acceptable breakfast?
I’ve been “irrational and self-destructive” in my lunch habits at times as well. One time, I ate 3 cheese sticks, 3 stuffed jalapenos, ½ a pound of turkey, ½ a pound of roast beef, and ½ a pound of genoa salami for lunch, then followed that with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. I’ve been known to eat an entire bag of chips in one sitting. And if I buy that much and I can’t it all at once (believe it or not, that has happened one or two times in my life), I will hide the left overs in the back of a cabinet or the bottom of the fridge so that no one else knows they are there. That way I can enjoy an unhealthy meal again the next day without having to share a bite with anybody.
Yep, my attitude toward food is definitely insane. And I don’t think that even my shrink, as awesome as he is, can point me back toward sanity here. God, it is all in Your hands.