My Resolve

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My name is Annie and I am a compulsive overeater.

Went to a rare Thursday meeting last night. It’s a weekly meeting, it’s just rare that I ever go! But since I wasn’t feeling well on Monday, I went. I can’t stand going a full week without an OA meeting.

And I think that God had a reason for me to be there. Last night, we read from The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous. Here is what I wrote in my journal at the beginning of the meeting, as soon as I realized where our focus would be: “Step Four. This is by the scariest step for me. I am afraid to look very closely at myself. I am afraid that I will find that I really don’t like who I am.” What if I look in there and find a person more worthless than I feel on my worst days?

I know that is not going to happen. At least, I know it in my head. It’s just getting that idea to move from my head down to my heart that is giving me fits.

As we took turns reading from the book, one particular line grabbed my attention. “The self-analysis we do in step four is essential to our recovery from compulsive eating” (Twelve and Twelve, page 30.) I highlighted that line in my copy of the book and I made this note beside it—so that’s why I can’t move ahead!

So long as I neglect this step, nothing is going to change. I have to stop ignoring step four if I want to gain any ground in my battle. And let me assure you, I DO want to gain ground here!

The more we read and talked, the more this one thought came into my head—I need to complete a step four inventory before my surgery. I still don’t have a surgery date, so part of me is thinking, “I have plenty of time to do this.” The absolute truth is, though, that I don’t know how much time I have. If I keep putting off this step, I will never do it.

For months now I have looked at my sleeve gastrectomy as a new beginning. Today when I logged on to the OA site (which, by the way, I almost never do—I think this is the third time in the year I’ve been attending meetings that I have logged on) I read a small bit from For Today. Page 248 says, “Nothing that happened yesterday or that may happen tomorrow is more important than NOW.” If that isn’t motivation to work on me NOW instead of waiting for the surgery to start my new beginning!

So I am making a pledge today. I WILL work through steps two and three in The Twelve-Step Workbook. As soon as I have completed that, I will work on my step four inventory. Actually, I will start working on my inventory as I work through those pages of the workbook. Different shortcomings and defects are being shown to me every day. I promise to myself (and to you, my readers) that I will write them down as I face them.

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About madfatlady

I've struggled with my weight for as long as I remember. It has now ballooned to over 400 pounds. I don't like that. At the same time, I don't know what to do about it. I am mad at myself about this weight gain. I am mad at the world for allowing the fod to be so readily available and relatively inexpensive, while diet and exercise programs are so costly.

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