Tag Archives: Mental Health

Food Lies

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Hi. My name is Annie. I am a compulsive overeater.

Make a list of the food lies you have told yourself. Then, turn those lies into truths. (Paraphrased from The Emotional Eater’s Book of Inspiration, page 7.)

(The lie will be in bold. The truth of the statement will be in plain type.)

Just one bite won’t hurt.

Just one bite will turn into the whole package. One little bite will only fuel the addiction.

If I hide the receipt and no one knows what I bought, no one will know what I ate.

Hiding only postpones facing what I have done.

If no one sees me eat it, it doesn’t count.

Eating in private doesn’t take away the calories or fat and won’t keep the food from showing up on my hips. Eating in private does mean that I am probably eating more than even I am able to count.

No one will know what I ate if I hide the packages.

If I have to hide anything, then I am doing something that I know is wrong. And if I am doing something wrong, someone, somewhere, sometime will find out about it.

It’s just food. It’s not like I am smoking or drinking or getting high.

Overeating is just as deadly—if not more so—than nicotine, alcohol, or other drugs. The more I stuff into my mouth, the closer I move to death. And all the while, I am forcing my friends and family—the people I love more than anything—to watch me slowly killing myself.

I have to eat to live. Everyone does. So why is it such a big deal?

Yes, everyone does need to eat. But NO ONE needs to eat food in the large quantities that I do. They way that I eat is not eating to live—it is more like eating to die.

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February Depression

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My name is Annie and I am compulsive overeater.

And apparently I am depressed. I don’t mean I am hovering on the edge of a depressed episode. No, I mean I am deep down, over my head in a bout of depression. How can I tell? Well, lots of ways. The way that I want to eat everything I see. The way I am so doggoned tired all the time. The way that all four of the males living in my house are getting on my nerves lately. The tears that feel like they will fall for no apparent reason. And most of all, I know I am deep in depression because I haven’t been writing.

It’s not uncommon for me to write something and think, “Gosh, that is crap.” But I still write. Not the last couple of weeks though. Normally, even if the fiction isn’t flowing, I am blogging or journaling. SOMETHING that keeps my creative juices flowing. But no. Not now. For the month of February I’ve looked for any excuse I can to not write anything. I’ve even used the excuse that my Facebook games will wither away and I’ll lose all the progress I’ve made to not write.

It makes no sense that I would be like this. I was forced to go six weeks without much writing because of a dead computer. Now that I have one and I have time to write, I am not doing it.

Why???

Well, actually I know what. It happens in February. And it will likely happen again in October. February marks the anniversary of my miscarriage and October marks the anniversary of a birthday never meant to be. Even when I think I am doing well, it just slams me down. Thoughts of my little girl (or boy, but I prefer to think of her as a girl) and what might have been hit me like a sucker punch. This year, I swore that I would get through without food. Hasn’t happened.

And that makes me MAD. I KNOW this will be a tough time for me. I KNOW that I am an emotional eater and that I tend to force down “negative” feelings with food. I have phone numbers for gals in my OA group. I have a way to contact those gals on Facebook and email. Yet, I choose to go through this alone. How dumb am I?

Affected Relationships

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I am Annie, and I am a compulsive overeater.

Step One, Question 2, Part C

Has chronic unhappiness over my eating problems affected my friendships or marriage?  How?

My eating problems have led to a weight of over 400 pounds.  That weight often keeps me from doing things with my husband or my friends.

It has affected my marriage by basically killing my sex life.  My size makes experimentation impossible; I find sex boring because it is always the same thing.  And I am sure that is my fault, because it isn’t my husband.  I love him dearly and find him more sexually appealing than I can explain.  It’s just that knowing exactly what to expect when we are intimate takes all of the adventure out of it.  It makes sex feel more like another chore, something dull and routine that I have to do rather than something fun and spontaneous that I want to do.

It has affected my friendships by keeping me from going out often.  The last time I went out with friends I sat in the backseat of my best friend’s van.  Getting out at home was not easy.  I felt like I was stuck in the back of a van.  A VAN!  Embarrassing.  And I can’t go shopping with her.  She’s a size 12 now, and me, I’m still in walrus sizes.  I doubt we could find a store that even carries clothes that would fit both of us. 

I see myself becoming more and more of a hermit.  I don’t like to leave the house, and look for excuses not to.  Basically, I leave for church and OA meetings and that’s it.  Occasionally, I go grocery shopping or to visit my parents.  Last week, I would have gone nowhere other than church or OA if not for the subpoena that I received in the mail.

My weight is what makes me unhappy, not my eating problems.  Then again, the eating led to the weight gain so I guess it is all tired up together.

Excelling at Fear

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Hello.  My name is Annie.  I am a compulsive overeater.

Have I excelled at my job or just gotten by?

I would have to say that I have just gotten by.  I don’t know if that has anything at all to do with my overeating or not.

Inside of me is a fear of success.  No matter what I do, I can either fail or succeed.  And I don’t really know which is worse.  If I fail, I am likely to give up and never try again.  If I succeed and reach the top, the only place to go from there is down.  Either way, I will fall.  So why should I even try?

So instead of facing those fears and working through them, I stuff the fear down with food.   That will help me shut up the fears at least for a few minutes.  I have “bragged” about publishers showing an interest in my work, but I have not actually taken the step to send a complete book to anyone.

That doesn’t show me excelling at all.  I love to write and I am good at it.  Maybe not the absolute best, but I am good at it.  And I enjoy it.  But unless I actually take that step and submit my work to an editor or publisher, I can’t really excel at what I want to do.

But is that really a result of my eating disorder?  Or is it just a fear?

Physical, Emotional, Spiritual

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I am Annie and I am a compulsive overeater.

How has and does this malady affect my life not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well?

Ok, so the physical part is easy.  This malady has caused me to balloon up to 440 pounds.  I am not proud of it, but that is what I weighed the last time I was at my doctor’s office.  It has also led to high blood pressure, asthma, acid reflux, aching joints, sleep apnea, and a heart condition.

Emotionally, oh boy!  I have had issues with depression and anxiety since I was a teen.  I get depressed, I eat.  I feel anxious, I eat.  So I honestly don’t know if the emotional issues are from the eating disorder or if the eating disorder stems from the emotional issues.  I know that the physical aspect of the illness has led me to feeling worse, emotionally.  I look at myself and wonder how anyone could possibly care about such a fat cow.  My low self-esteem was in place long before I realized I had a “problem” with food.  There are just so many things that are going on of me.  I don’t know what was caused by what.

Spiritually….  Wow.  I am not sure about that.  A part of me thinks, “I am the way God made me.  If He didn’t want me to be like this, He would change things.”  But that seems so silly.  I don’t know.