Tag Archives: obeese

Accountability

Standard

Good morning.  My name is Annie and I am a compulsive overeater.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about accountability.  I say that I want to do certain things with my eating and my exercise.  I am even good at keeping up with it for a day or two.  But when the “newness” and “excitement” of whatever it is I’ve decided to do wears off, I stop doing it.  At least I stop doing it on a regular basis.  I still track my food.  I still read my daily literature.  I still ride my stationary bike.

I just don’t do those things every day.

I don’t even remember to do them all on the same day.

The OA group that I am a part of recently started an accountability group.  For a few weeks now, I have thought about going.  This week I actually went.  It was one of the worst OA meetings I have ever been to.

OK, so calling it a bad meeting probably isn’t fair, especially since I could see that the others in the room were getting a lot out of the meeting.  But it didn’t work for me.  I don’t know if the meeting was a bad fit or if I was just in a bad frame of mind for it.  Heaven knows that I didn’t put puch into the meeting.

It was odd for me from the beginning.  Rather than using the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions of OA, they were reading from the AA 12 and 12.  Why that was uncomfortable to me, I don’t know.

Anyway, one thing they talked about was emailing their food plan and action plan to each other; they said that keeps them accountable for following through with what they are committing to do.  Now THAT is something that I can get into!!  Nearly every morning, I make up a plan of what I am going to do that day, and I have in my head what I will eat for the day.  But I have yet to share it with anyone.  If no one knows what I have planned, they can’t get on my case to make sure that I am doing it.  Yeah, OK, so I know that it’s not up to anyone else to stick to my program.  But I do think having some encouragement throughout the day would be helpful for me.

Who can I ask to be my accountability partner, though?  I suppose I could post it all here on my blog.  Only I don’t know how many actually read it.  (It’s not like I have been very good about keeping up with this blog in the past few months!)  I’d prefer to share with someone I KNOW will respond to me daily, pushing me to stick with my plans.  Maybe my sponsor will help.  And my best friend.  I suppose I will have to ask them.

February Depression

Standard

My name is Annie and I am compulsive overeater.

And apparently I am depressed. I don’t mean I am hovering on the edge of a depressed episode. No, I mean I am deep down, over my head in a bout of depression. How can I tell? Well, lots of ways. The way that I want to eat everything I see. The way I am so doggoned tired all the time. The way that all four of the males living in my house are getting on my nerves lately. The tears that feel like they will fall for no apparent reason. And most of all, I know I am deep in depression because I haven’t been writing.

It’s not uncommon for me to write something and think, “Gosh, that is crap.” But I still write. Not the last couple of weeks though. Normally, even if the fiction isn’t flowing, I am blogging or journaling. SOMETHING that keeps my creative juices flowing. But no. Not now. For the month of February I’ve looked for any excuse I can to not write anything. I’ve even used the excuse that my Facebook games will wither away and I’ll lose all the progress I’ve made to not write.

It makes no sense that I would be like this. I was forced to go six weeks without much writing because of a dead computer. Now that I have one and I have time to write, I am not doing it.

Why???

Well, actually I know what. It happens in February. And it will likely happen again in October. February marks the anniversary of my miscarriage and October marks the anniversary of a birthday never meant to be. Even when I think I am doing well, it just slams me down. Thoughts of my little girl (or boy, but I prefer to think of her as a girl) and what might have been hit me like a sucker punch. This year, I swore that I would get through without food. Hasn’t happened.

And that makes me MAD. I KNOW this will be a tough time for me. I KNOW that I am an emotional eater and that I tend to force down “negative” feelings with food. I have phone numbers for gals in my OA group. I have a way to contact those gals on Facebook and email. Yet, I choose to go through this alone. How dumb am I?

Affected Relationships

Standard

I am Annie, and I am a compulsive overeater.

Step One, Question 2, Part C

Has chronic unhappiness over my eating problems affected my friendships or marriage?  How?

My eating problems have led to a weight of over 400 pounds.  That weight often keeps me from doing things with my husband or my friends.

It has affected my marriage by basically killing my sex life.  My size makes experimentation impossible; I find sex boring because it is always the same thing.  And I am sure that is my fault, because it isn’t my husband.  I love him dearly and find him more sexually appealing than I can explain.  It’s just that knowing exactly what to expect when we are intimate takes all of the adventure out of it.  It makes sex feel more like another chore, something dull and routine that I have to do rather than something fun and spontaneous that I want to do.

It has affected my friendships by keeping me from going out often.  The last time I went out with friends I sat in the backseat of my best friend’s van.  Getting out at home was not easy.  I felt like I was stuck in the back of a van.  A VAN!  Embarrassing.  And I can’t go shopping with her.  She’s a size 12 now, and me, I’m still in walrus sizes.  I doubt we could find a store that even carries clothes that would fit both of us. 

I see myself becoming more and more of a hermit.  I don’t like to leave the house, and look for excuses not to.  Basically, I leave for church and OA meetings and that’s it.  Occasionally, I go grocery shopping or to visit my parents.  Last week, I would have gone nowhere other than church or OA if not for the subpoena that I received in the mail.

My weight is what makes me unhappy, not my eating problems.  Then again, the eating led to the weight gain so I guess it is all tired up together.

Victory and Embarrassment

Standard

I’m Annie and I am a compulsive overeater.

This weekend, I was feeling pretty good.  I had to testify in a custody hearing on Friday, which stressed me out enough to make me want to eat.  Saturday was my 11th wedding anniversary, something that my hubby and I like to celebrate with a big, fancy meal.  Oh, and also on Friday, my second grader brought home a note about the school accepting registrations for preschool starting this week; my youngest son meets the age requirement and is BEGGING to be allowed to go to school.  All of these things were chances for me to indulge the emotional eater in me and scarf down everything in sight.

BUT I DIDN’T!!!!

No, I didn’t starve myself.  And I am sure some of my food choices were not the healthiest.  But I avoided soda pop (except for the last drink in the bottle that my two oldest sons were fighting over) and I avoided overeating.  I ate enough to satisfy me and nothing more.  That is a victory.

But it is a victory that meant very little to me yesterday morning in church.  About three years ago, the church changed from traditional wooden pews to padded pew chairs.  There wasn’t money in the budget for wide, comfortable chairs, but the ones that were purchased were very nice and very deeply padded.  And they don’t have arms, which is a major plus in my eyes.  We choose seats yesterday morning in the center section, second row.  My husband sat on one end, then our 7-year-old, our 9-year-old, and me, with an empty chair beside me.  I like to have an empty chair where I can place my purse and Bible for the praise and worship portion of the service.  It’s easier to grab them off that chair than to bend over and retrieve them from the floor.  My weight just makes that bending difficult.

Well, something even worse happened yesterday.  When the singing ended and I took my seat, I realized I was really taking my seats—my butt was on both chairs.  I don’t know if anyone else noticed it.  Likely they didn’t (at least they didn’t if they were paying attention to the sermon).  But I noticed it.  I felt so humiliated.  Every time the pastor looked in my direction as he spoke (which seemed to happen quite often because my family was sitting so close to the front) I was almost positive that he could see the way I was sitting on two chairs.  I didn’t tell anyone about it, not even my husband.  Yet I couldn’t get the thought out of my head.  When I tried to take a nap after Sunday dinner, I kept thinking about my butt spanning two chairs.  I dreamed that I was too large to fit into my queen size bed and needed to have a second one set up in my room in order for me to sleep.

A Victory

Standard

My name is Annie and I am a compulsive overeater.

Went to a meeting on Monday night.  I really needed that meeting.  Can’t say that I had any big “a-ha” moments from our reading, but it was good to be there.

A subpoena for a custody hearing came in the mail yesterday.  It wasn’t a surprise.  I knew it was coming.  I also know that testifying in this hearing—subpoena or no subpoena—is likely to cause problems within my family.  Before the meeting, I had to pick up a couple of things at Wal-Mart (not that I wanted to wash any laundry).  Hubby called while I was there and asked me to pick up something for him to snack on before bed.  Just being in that snack aisle made me think of all the yummy stuff I could eat.  I even thought I could get an entire box, eat it myself, and throw out the package so that no one would ever know I’d eaten it.  When I left, I grabbed a bottle of water instead of a soda, which was a small victory for me.  And then I thought about the fast food place across the street.  I knew they had a dollar menu and started to think of how much I could order and scarf down in the 20 minutes before meeting.  “Maybe,” I thought with a grin, “I could just pretend to go to a meeting.  I’ll sit in the truck and eat, but tell my family that I was at the OA meeting.”

But I didn’t do it!  I didn’t buy and snack food and I didn’t buy anything from the dollar menu.  I didn’t buy any fast food at all.  In fact, I made sure to pull out of the parking lot on the side street that doesn’t go past the fast food place.  I was so excited about that!

I was stressed, I wanted to eat.  I wanted to use food to forget the subpoena and was even willing to sacrifice long-term recovery to do it.  But I didn’t listen to the voices in my head, begging to be fed! 

That one little moment made me think that I just might be able to beat this after all!!

Excelling at Fear

Standard

Hello.  My name is Annie.  I am a compulsive overeater.

Have I excelled at my job or just gotten by?

I would have to say that I have just gotten by.  I don’t know if that has anything at all to do with my overeating or not.

Inside of me is a fear of success.  No matter what I do, I can either fail or succeed.  And I don’t really know which is worse.  If I fail, I am likely to give up and never try again.  If I succeed and reach the top, the only place to go from there is down.  Either way, I will fall.  So why should I even try?

So instead of facing those fears and working through them, I stuff the fear down with food.   That will help me shut up the fears at least for a few minutes.  I have “bragged” about publishers showing an interest in my work, but I have not actually taken the step to send a complete book to anyone.

That doesn’t show me excelling at all.  I love to write and I am good at it.  Maybe not the absolute best, but I am good at it.  And I enjoy it.  But unless I actually take that step and submit my work to an editor or publisher, I can’t really excel at what I want to do.

But is that really a result of my eating disorder?  Or is it just a fear?

Acceptance

Standard

My name is Annie and I am a compulsive overeater.

This week, I purchased a couple of books to help me in my OA recovery plan.  One is called Drop the Rock.  It was recommended by the other members of my Monday night meeting group.  The focus of this book is Step 6 and Step 7.  On Mondays, we are going through The Twelve-Step Workbook of Overeaters Anonymous.  As we have just finished with Step 6 and are about to start work on Step 7 (though I freely admit that I am not that far along in my recovery yet), we have decided to start reading Drop the Rock on Monday nights.  I think that working through that might help me to adjust better when it is time for me to fully work those steps in my own life.

The other book I bought is not an official OA book, though I thought it was when I ordered it.  It is called Beyond Feast or Famine: Daily affirmations for compulsive eaters.  It is 365 daily readings to help with overcoming the food addiction.  I started reading it with the reading dated January 18, which is the day that the book arrived in my mailbox.  To be honest, I have not been enjoying the book.  Maybe it is me—I am sure the writings are good, but I just don’t feel like they are for me.  Still, I am pushing through, reading one affirmation every day.  Eventually, I am sure I will come across something that hits home with me, something that I can apply to my own life and recovery plan.

Surprisingly, I found something today that hit home with me.  At the end of the reading, I read the words, “My goal is to accept myself.”  Sure there was more to it than just that.  Something about how accepting myself will help me to stop trying to change all of those around me.  But the words “accept myself” really got to me.  I can’t tell you the last time I really felt like I could accept myself for who I am.  And if I can’t accept me, how can I ever expect anyone else to accept me?